I’ve realised that I lack the skill of making friends. It feels more like a social pressure than a need from within. I’ve lost the will to socialize or to make friends. I’ve seen that ultimately, the reason why people “have fun” is to broadcast it to the world to show how awesome and amazing their lives are.
I’m not one to blame anyone, but I’ve noticed that even if I crave the comfort of friendship, I let it simply pass by when I witness even a hint of it or worse, be repelled by it.
I’ve seen how hard it becomes to be a part of any social group for me, simply because I feel that I’d be spending too much time with them, and not with others, which made me realise this inherent need for me to please people.
But, the self-obsessed me tells me that it is actually the other way round. I do a lot of stuff to garner appreciation to boost my self-confidence. But yes, more than anything, I know I am self obsessed. The problem is, I’ve not been able to understand that as my demon. The fact that I don’t want children or a wife is nothing but an extension of my self obsession, thinking that I’d have to share what I earn, be it economy, respect or hatred, with them. Yes, I’m very possessive of my hatred too. I’ve simply fallen in love with the idea of hate, so much so, that my alter ego is confused of its own personality. I love the idea that people abuse me in their minds, talk negatively about me to others and hell, plain and simple, hate to see my not-so-pretty fat face at all, even if it’s not really true. But, well, that’s not the case, is it? Some will be hating me while going through this. Trust me, I’ve hated people and boy, I’ve hated the hell out of a few.
At many instances over my life, I’ve resorted to showing that I am extremely self confident to the point of being over confident, when in fact, I doubt my self, my abilities and my talent every single second. The very fact that I say I have talent of any sorts sounds very questionable.
This is because talent has become something that wasn’t supposed to be tangible, but now is. There is no point of having a talent if you can’t earn from it. A skill without a job is like any human without oxygen.
But that sentence itself tells me that us humans are very self obsessed even as a species. Where one could have thought of oxygen for all biotic organisms, we think of ourselves alone. We share this collective quality and thus, this is what made us the fittest to let us not only survive, but thrive. Greed is not greed, if your need is unlimited.
The seven figure 9-to-5, the rooftop, the four wheeler, the lady support and two heirs. That’s all that matters anymore to everyone. All your energy goes into simply achieving the love of your life or the money that will get that and other things adjacent to it. This organized structure, that we call “maturity” is the greatest evil in our lives.
Maturity has taken away freedom and replaced it with shame. It has taken away boundlessness and set new limits. The fun thing about it all, is the age. The age of 18 is supposed to be when one becomes an adult, and as I was running around governmental offices trying to prove that I am a citizen of this country, I felt no difference from the 17 year old me at all. None whatsoever. Except the fact that now, I felt a little free with my choices. Not choice of life, but simpler and smaller choices. Those are really the ones that matter.
I live in a single room that has a view of the main street. From there, I always spot this one person who has a big white beard and acts extremely erratic all the time. He has no one around him ever and he is always seen around this area only. Once, hearing him sing, I realised he is from Punjab, or belonged to that descent. I mean no one could nail “Gur naal ishq mitha” lyrics that drunk with that ease unless they really understood what it meant. Well, it didn’t take much time for me to realize why he used to roam around in this area only. The two beer shops here that provide cheap desi daaru for minimal prices, but enough to be the only thing that comes out of that day’s income, even replacing food at times. I relate to him a lot at times. I can see that as a possible future, being all alone, loner, wandering the streets of Delhi with not a single care in the world.
I’ve always thought about this one huge fear of mine, and that is my wedding. Not because of the cliche responsibility crap, but because it is probably the only social event where, by cultural necessity, I will have to invite every person I know. The fear is pretty simple; no one will ever turn up. Worse; that includes my soon-to-be. I’ll be sitting on the bride-groom chair, looking at the waitors that will be standing with snacks and placards naming the dishes but no one to serve. A live pasta station with a ready chef, but no children around to order. It is still, my greatest fear and probably the biggest reason I will never marry. I get that you’d be thinking of the bride and her kinship, but well, it’s my nightmare and it runs on simple pessimism, much like my life.